Two Ears and One Mouth

The last few months have been tough for all of us, to say the least. We have been forced to rethink almost every aspect of our lives as the world has moved from 'Controlling the #coronavirus' to 'Living with the #coronavirus'. What this means for us in terms of our daily lives, only time will tell. 

Job losses, dealing with the pressures of work and home, as well as adjusting to the new paradigm, has many of us anxious, lonely, and depressed. In a world where we have been pushed into our corners (literally), I am reminded of the old adage by Greek philosopher Epictetus -

We have two ears and one mouth, so that we can listen twice as much.

What this means is that listening is so important that our physicality is designed to listen more and talk less. If there is any time for us to live by this, it is now. 

As a communications expert, I have always stressed that the most important aspect of becoming a great communicator is to master the art of listening....really listening. But what does this mean? We live in a world where there are more avenues to publish content, connect, and speak up than there ever existed. Multiple blogs, tutorials, expert gurus, and college courses are focused on building one’s ability to use these mediums to speak out and ‘position’ one’s self better. But there are very few (mostly drowned out) that give us ways to listen, be empathetic, and more human towards one another. 

A few minutes of proactive listening offered to those who need it goes a long way. It can bring clarity to a confused mind; give solace to the lonely; build confidence in an idea; positively engage an anxious soul, and might even save a life. When you decide to listen, you decide to take an equally important part in that conversation, one that is required to do a very crucial task. In a pure communications cycle, this is the part of the ‘Receiver’, whose only role is to receive the message. 

Here are a few tips to help you become a better listener in your personal life, with friends, family, and other dear ones. These are not conventional tips you might find in a communications blog, but some things I have learned from my own experience. Do use them as per your context.

Be Interested. Genuinely Interested in the person: 

Only if you are genuinely interested in the person will you be willing to listen to them without distraction or judgment. It is them who you care about and hence, it is worth your time. When you do decide to listen, drop everything else you are doing and listen. Switch off the screen you are in to, stop everything else you are doing, and listen. You will be surprised how little time and effort it takes if there are no distractions. Request them to talk to you later if you are in the middle of something, and make it a point to follow up. 

Listening requires both your heart and mind:

When you listen, you are not only going to be offering your time but also possibly your emotions (heart) and intellect (mind). There is a reason why the person decided to speak with you, perhaps it is to cheer themselves, share an update, talk about a stressful day, or just like that. Remember that reason and that your only task, as a ‘Receiver’ is to receive the ‘Message’ and nothing else. Your response is a secondary task.

Understand the Context:

Even though your response is secondary to the listening process, it is still an important part. If you have not understood everything the person is saying, seek clarity by asking questions. By asking a question, you are only showing more interest. Sometimes your response might reaffirm or dismiss certain things the person is discussing, so, if you haven’t understood the context properly, you might give an inappropriate response. 

Respond with Empathy:

 When you have really listened, you would have understood the feelings of the individual and what they mean. Your response needs to reflect this feeling or at least align with it. This means that you are responding with empathy, and it will help you reserve your judgment and respond to the situation as it is. This will become second nature as you become a better listener. 

I have written these pointers in the context of conversations with people you might know well. Every conversation is a back and forth of the above steps in sequence but with nuances. Follow them well and there is nothing stopping you from becoming a great listener. You might just become the superhero that our world needs!

Here are some useful resources:

Practice empathy during Covid19

How to become a better listener by Fast Company